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Lawyers in Hell snippet, May 18 2011

May 19, 2011

“Why don’t we go see for ourselves what Wellington’s doing?” Napoleon asked.

Marie shrugged her shoulders and led the way down the drive and around the hedge.  Wellington was now nearly flattened on his lawn, his posterior much higher than his head.  So engrossed in whatever he was doing, he didn’t seem to register he had company.  Napoleon crossed his arms on his chest.

“Wellington, what the shit is going on?”

Wellington jumped nearly a foot, his head snapping around and a startled expression crossing his thin, long-nosed face.

“Damn, Napoleon!” he got out.  “You really shouldn’t sneak up on someone that way.  Heart attack and all that.”

“I wasn’t sneaking.  I walked here like any normal person would.  What is it you’re so focused on?”

“My grass!”  Wellington stood, brushed stray green remnants of his lawn from the knees of his white British officer’s breeches.  “Look at it, will you!  It’s beyond belief!”

“What … the grass or you, butt to the sky, examining it?”

Wellington drew his chin back and assumed a hurt expression.  “You needn’t act that way.  I’m trying … really trying to obey the rules.  And it’s impossible!  Bloody impossible!”

Napoleon studied the grass.  “Looks fine to me.  You just cut it yesterday.”

“Precisely my point.”  Wellington held out a ruler.  “The Home Owner’s Association says my grass can only be, at the very most, two inches tall.  And, believe me, I measured the entire lawn.  Every last part of it.  There wasn’t a place where the grass was taller than an inch and a half.  And now look at it!”

“I’m looking and I still don’t see the problem.”  Napoleon glanced sidelong at Marie, who was trying her absolute best to hide a smile.  “I’m no horticulture specialist, but it can’t be much over two inches tall.”

“Then check it out yourself, since you’ve got the bloody eagle eye.”  Wellington offered the ruler, his face going red with frustration.  It was obvious he only now realized Marie stood next to Napoleon.  “Good day, my lady,” he said, bowing slightly.

She smiled at him and nodded back.

“Eagle eye, is it?  Let’s see.”  Napoleon knelt, placed the ruler down to where it touched the ground.  “Merde!  What’s happening here?  Your grass is two and a half inches tall!”

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you!  It couldn’t have grown an inch in a night!”

“Huhn.”  Napoleon rocked back on his heels and stared at the ruler.  “Marie,” he asked, “could you bring me the ruler I’ve got stashed in my desk?  For comparison’s sake,” he finished, looking up at Wellington who was still red-faced and the picture of exasperation.

“Damned Home Owner’s Association,” Wellington grumped.  “If it isn’t one bloody thing, it’s another.  And that new HOA president … he’s, well –”

“Quiet.” Napoleon hissed.  “You don’t know who’s listening.”

Wellington made a show of looking to the left, the right, behind his back and across the street.  “No one, that I can see.”

“How long have we been in New Hell, Wellington?  Long enough that by now I’d think you’d know ears don’t have to be attached to a body to hear.”

“Oh, you’re right.  It’s just so frustrating!”

From ‘Tale of a Tail’ by Nancy Asire, in Lawyers in Hell ((c) Janet Morris 2011, all rights reserved.)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Wayne Borean aka The Mad Hatter permalink
    May 19, 2011 1:50 pm

    Ah, yes. That home owners association.


  2. May 22, 2011 2:02 am

    “…ears don’t have to be attached to a body to hear.” LOL

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